It’s been 13 months since I was part of a miracle that brought me my little girl. I’ve had an amazing 13 months experiencing the joys of motherhood, but it’s been 13 months of not quite feeling myself. I’ve gone more days than I care to admit without showering because it meant dealing with my post-partum hair loss. I’ve spent hours each day pumping, but it’s never been enough to avoid needing to supplement with formula. I’ve cried at the top of my stairs in the middle of the night feeling like an utter failure because it took hours of constant rocking, lunging, bouncing, and singing to get my little one back to sleep.
I’ve had an amazing 13 months experiencing the joys of motherhood, but it’s been 13 months of not quite feeling myself.
My husband has been my champion throughout this process. He always encourages me to take time for myself. He rationally reminds me that our infant will not remember that I went out to lunch with a friend and left her behind (with my husband) for a couple hours. He has my full trust, but it doesn’t mean the mom guilt stops feeling like a heavy lead vest. It feels selfish to spend time on myself when I should be taking care of the house, researching how to transition to solids, or buying even more baby clothes as she’s outgrown her current outfits.
Accepting help & giving myself grace
Eventually, I realized I needed to take better care of myself to take better care of her. It wasn’t a light bulb moment, but a steady realization. It required me to say “yes” when my husband, friends, and family offered to lighten my load. It required me to be okay with less internet research at midnight and more trusting my gut. As I continue to feel better each and every day, I know my little girl is better off with a “happy mom” rather than a mom who’s trying to be “perfect.”
